What happened to January??

It happens every year... we get to the holiday season and wait for the new year to start and then the time FLIES.

I'm still on the road to healing. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I've been thinking a lot about Trauma bonding lately. It's a hard thing to cope with. To be so hurt by someone that mentally and emotionally abused me, but still want to see them. The relationship did not start out abusive. I'd like to think that it was at one point, a healthy relationship. Over time, my abusers' motives and desires changed, and that caused their behavior to change. I started to notice it but made excuses for it, because by the time it started my heart was already given away. I loved unconditionally, and still do. This made a way for me to be trampled on. I didn't guard or protect my heart, because I had already given it to them.

I remember going to them once to apologize for any wrongdoing that I may have done and letting them know that I forgave them. The response was, "Thank you for your forgiveness, but I never did anything to require your forgiveness." That tore me apart. They couldn't even allow me to express my forgiveness.

The environment that I was in with my abusers was a very cult like environment. My abuser is above reproach, and if you voice anything that goes against their views, there cannot be a healthy conversation. Then I'm accused of being "misbehaved" and disrespectful. I remember viewing this as just being respectful. But, now that I am out of this environment...I can see how it is being groomed for the co-dependency that comes along with trauma bonding.

I still find myself wondering if I just need to go back to my abuser. The hold they have on me is so strong. It built over 20 years. I wish it were something I could just wake up and be healed from it. Moved on.

Healing is messy. Some days are great. Some days, I wake up from dreaming about my abuser and then I spend the day with them trapped in my mind and being tormented by their words and actions. I just keep going.. I have to believe it's going to get better. We have to believe it's going to get better.

Keep fighting! We win in the end! Go to counseling, journal, take walks, find support groups, pray. We need to find positive coping mechanisms to be able to battle the negative.

One day at a time....